You know, at some point in our lives we have to ask ourselves a question. We have to keep considering, what exactly are we doing with our lives?
This past summer, I have been reflecting on much of that. As I approach thirty in nearly one week, I ask myself if what I have been doing over the past five years is really what I want to be doing for the next five years.
Short answer? No.
The extended answer is much more complicated. You see, while I am satisfied with how I have progressed in my professional life, I’m not so satisfied with how I have progressed in my personal life. It may come as a shock to many since I am the perpetually happy person that wants to make sure everyone is living their lives to the fullest capacities.
It all started around the age of twenty-four, right around the time of my coming out as a gay man. I thought I knew everything there was to know. I would go on with my life and just continue being a gay man.
Becoming a gay man, for me, meant many things. Most importantly of which, was to broaden my circle of friends with those who identity as LGBTQ. It would later help foster lasting relationships and help to ease the burden of being a gay man.
Bet you didn’t think being gay was hard, did you? Oh, contraire!
As I evolved in the gay community, so too did my lifestyle. I started steering away from the very things that made me happy. Instead of mountain biking, backpacking, and traveling to new places as I had been doing prior to my coming out, I was now fully engulfed in the scene of being at gay clubs, brunches, and the gay hook up culture thanks to apps such as Grindr.
In fact, I had become so embedded in the culture that I had forgotten what I once loved; real life.
The real life I speak of is not that of spending time on Grindr telling myself I have to catch them all. Nor is it attending every gay social event that I can, or spending countless of hours on a weekly basis at gay clubs.
Surprise! Not me!
The real me loves the outdoors. The real me loves to travel and explore the world without being glued to hook up apps. When did I become that guy?
It’s easy to do, especially in our community. The yearning to be constantly youthful is mighty. The pressure of trying to find the right guy in bed. It all becomes such a sensation. One day, you’ll wake up and realize, you have to start drawing the line somewhere.
As I turn thirty, I realize it’s time to change direction. Off go the apps, dwindle will time be spent at clubs, and lastly, hello world, I’m back.